yay me

Of late iv pretty much been depressed. I know its my own fault but even telling my self that doesn't help so you know it leads to feeling sorry for ones self which really sucks. Its like your just trying to get people to go all "aww no your not" or "It will all turn out alright" What do they know. They will just say that to shut you up.
Im really missing my nanan right now more then ever. Friday on her 3rd year thing the family went bowling for her they where all plastering on fake smiles and laughing like nothing was wrong. I couldn’t act. Which lead to me looking like a full on emo and just flinging the bowling bowl around not caring. I think my family will now think im a mardy brat. All i herd where smile then. I wasn’t going to force a smile. I wasn’t happy and i didnt see why i should act like i am. I hate that they did. I wanted nothing more then to sit in a ball and feel sorry for my self. They all got taxis back to the club after to do some drinking. I didn’t want to get in a taxi with them. So i walked. Even when i got to the club i didn’t look happy but did anyone ask me if i was alright, did anyone go down into the house to see me. To even talk to me. No. They stayed in the club drinking and laughing among themselves. Then they wounded why im shutting my self out from them. They didn’t give a flying toss that i was hurting or anything. I ended up leaving early. I couldn’t stop watching them drink their self’s silly so i walked home leaving them and went to bed. This was at like 12 at night did anyone say no stop you get a taxi, anyone offer to take me home no. I dont even think many people noticed. Yay me.

Had my Uni interview today. Wish i hadn’t. I slept at Hollys because i was going up with her. Didn’t sleep to well. Restless night. My arms where killing from carrying my a1 folder which is the heaviest thing iv ever had the pleasure of carrying. So i was in pain. I was crapping my self but when i got their it wasn’t so bad. Well until i had to walk up and down 8 flights of stairs, then their was my interview. I fucked it up. I couldn’t get my words out, my plastic wallets in my folder had all fallen out. And yes i fucked it up. I didn’t say the right things. I hardly said anything. I barely got out alive. She said wouldn’t you think your better suited doing such and such course and not this one.
So if that wasn’t a Your not getting in then i don’t know what is. So yes no Uni i guess for me. So if i don’t get into 18 plus at college then im fucked. [yes i don’t swear but right now i don’t care] Ill be selling big issues in a town near you soon :P

I don’t know what im meant to be doing in life, or what i want to do. And im too depressed to even care. Life just sucks right now. Yay me. Aint it grand huh.